Visiting your In-laws can be a bit intimidating.  It’s a lot like meeting a dangerous Out-law, the only difference is (usually) the In-laws aren’t wanted.  Here are a couple of simple ways to survive your encounter with the In-laws.

1.  Remain calm!  In-laws are a lot like vicious animals and can smell fear.  Your best bet is to have have tasty treats to offer the would be predators.  The theory behind this approach is if they have their mouths full they can’t be talking about you or your spouse. (or in some cases, soon to be spouse.)

2.  Have an escape plan committed to memory.  If you were going to step foot in a Lion’s den, you would have an escape plan right?  Same thing here.   Feel free to bring distractions, so you can divert attention away from your escape.  One example that I find works best is, pictures.  Bring a photo album.  The more bizarre the pictures, the more time you’ll have to escape.

3.  Drugs.  Lots and lots of drugs.  I’m not talking about anything illegal, however sleep sedatives or a strong muscle relaxer mixed with some kind of heavy drink works just as well.

4.  Every family has that one person who is a little nuts, that someone who would not think twice about wearing worn, old boxers around the house, because hey, your family now.  Be careful of this person.  Bring a stick or a squishy ball with bells in it.  If this nut-job gets to close, throw the stick or squishy ball.  This should give you enough time to run.  Far, far away.

5.  Lastly, have fun.  Leave a lasting impression, that they won’t soon forget.  However make sure you are long gone before they notice any lasting memories you might have left them.  For example, place ketchup packets under every toilet seat in the house.  Fold them in half and gently place them under the seats.  When the unsuspecting In-law (hopefully Mother-in-law)  sits down.  They get squirted in the back of their legs.  Also, it might be fun to crush some alka seltzer to a fine powder.  Then when no one is looking, dump all of the powdered creamer for the coffee out and replace it with your crushed alka seltzer.  When they pour the “creamer” into their coffee it will be like a dark, hot volcano.

With any luck, they won’t ask you back.  Who knows, they might not even want you  to come over for Christmas.  .