If you’re a dreamer, come in…

If you’re a dreamer, a wisher, a liar.
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic been buyer.

If you’re a pretender, come sit by my fire.
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin…

…Come in, come in.

by - Shel Silverstein

your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

you refer to your child as Deduction 214 3.

you deduct x-lax as “Moving expenses”

you way of telling her you’re turned on, is by saying, “my pants are going to have to file for an extension.

you consider it normal not to see your spouse or children from February to April 15th.

you have a petty cash box at home and actually refer to it as such

you can solve a problem for someone who didn’t know they …

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $324.00.
Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle….It’s called the 401-Keg Plan.

I don’t like it when you scream my name, stop it!  (Later that night, you ask daddy to scream your name)

Don’t play with or chew on the cucumbers!  (If only they knew, that is mommy’s little  “Man Pickle”)

Don’t yell at your brother! (Three minutes later, you end up yelling at his brother)

We don’t ever hit people!  Hitting is wrong!  (Later that night while daddy is screaming your name you tell him to “Hit that ass!”)

The police man is our friend.  (Until he tries …

So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day…
Look at the bright side,
she’s a really good lay.

My tire was thumping….
I thought it was flat….
when I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat… Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends….
here’s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You’ve announced that you’re gay,
won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you…
How upset you must be…
But don’t fret about …

For more “Oh Shit Moments” click here.

Just say thank you if a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice.

If you ever find yourself in a hole, you should stop digging immediately.

Trust me, a little ignorance can go a long way.

Not everyone can learn to do things well.  So find a way to enjoy doing them badly.

Don’t ever sleep with someone crazier than yourself.  Handcuffs are fun, but not when they are a part of a “sex set”, that includes jumper
cables and a car battery.

Always go in the other line.  It moves faster.

Don’t try to …