Just say thank you if a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice.

If you ever find yourself in a hole, you should stop digging immediately.

Trust me, a little ignorance can go a long way.

Not everyone can learn to do things well.  So find a way to enjoy doing them badly.

Don’t ever sleep with someone crazier than yourself.  Handcuffs are fun, but not when they are a part of a “sex set”, that includes jumper
cables and a car battery.

Always go in the other line.  It moves faster.

Don’t try to make things idiot proof.  Idiots are ingenious and will find a way to mess it up.

Never get married.  It is better to have loved and lost, than to put up with all her shit for 50 years.

Don’t be afraid of death.  It’s just nature’s little way of telling you, you need to slow down.

Always hold your wife’s hand.  (if you let go, there is no telling what she’ll buy.)

Never take a blind date to a silent movie.

Women, you don’t have to hootchify yourself to be beautiful.

If you don’t like brushing your teeth, only brush the ones you want to keep.

Nothing motivates you more than the last minute.