1.) If Mars had earthquakes, would they be called marsquakes?
2.) When lightning hits the ocean, why don’t all the fish die?
3.) Can you cry underwater?
4.) Why is there a light in the refrigerator but not in the freezer?
5.) Can crop circles be square?
6.) Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
7.) Is there ever a day when mattresses aren’t on sale?
8.) Why do people press harder on a remote control when they know the battery is dead?
9.) How do you know Humpty Dumpty is an egg when the nursery rhyme never said so?
10.) …

To be honest, it doesn’t matter if it was a piece of sea weed or a Great White Shark to brush by my leg while walking waist deep in the ocean.  The second I feel something funny touching me I immediately turn in my man card and scream like a little girl and run like Forest, Forest Gump.
10.  Viper Fish – His fangs are so large that they don’t fit inside of his mouth.  He kills his prey by swimming past them at high rates of speed, shanking them, prison …

I’m about to turn 36 years old and it hit me, this is as mature as I’m ever going to get.   But you know what?  I’m glad.  If I was any more mature the following wouldn’t be funny…

When people say. “life is short.” What? Um, no it isn’t. It’s the longest damn thing they’ll ever do.

When I am waiting in line for the bus and some idiot asks, “hey did the bus come yet?” “Yes, and I decided to stay here and let you know that you missed it.”

Un-sweetened chocolate. Why? Why the hell would they do that? Some cruel joke? It doesn’t matter, just stop making it that way!

Small dogs. Nothing more …

I bet he did.  I’d even lay odds that “kinky Katherine” liked it.

Now that is funny!  That is how you put smiles on people’s faces long after you’re gone.

Why would the neighbor kid want to wok a 14 year old dog when he could wok a nice, lean, fresh from the street, ready to eat, what a f_cking treat,  young dog?  Crazy Neighbor kids.

Sucks to be him.

Well slap my ass and call me Pinky!  There he is.

I think if you can’t remember the name, it’s best just to leave it …

“I finished the Oreos”

“I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?

“Get your *own* ice cream.”

“Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Candy.”

“Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”

“You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”

“Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl”

“Darned if you ain’t about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella. ‘

“Whoa! For a minute there, …

10. “Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!”

9.  “Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.”

8.  “Feel the force!”

7.  “Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not these things.”

6.  “Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!”

5.  “Do me or do me not – there is no try.”

4.  “Early must I rise. Leave now you must!”

3.  “Happens to every guy sometimes this does.”

2.  “When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?”

1. “Who’s …

I am not an expert.   I am not a certified counselor.  I haven’t conducted any studies, or really done much research for that matter.   However, I present to you the top ten reasons I feel, kids need counseling today…

This first one is quite possibly the most disturbing kids product I have ever seen.   It’s basically a butt plug for kids!   The concept is to make your kid not afraid of pooping.   You basically have them shove this up their bottom, to make star or heart shaped poop come out.   ARE …

Break the radio and say that while everyone was sleeping there was nuclear
battle and everyone is now dead.

Hide your buddies space pants, just before a crucial space walk.

Uncouple the Japanese section, and as they float away helplessly yell
“That’s for Pearl Harbour!!…”

Use the Canada arm to start punching the Russian space shuttle and then exclaim that “they were asking for it with all their freakin’ late-night cooking smells”

Flush a crew member out the air lock and tell everyone he was an alien
planning to kill everyone and that you saved them from …