When people say. “life is short.” What? Um, no it isn’t. It’s the longest damn thing they’ll ever do.

When I am waiting in line for the bus and some idiot asks, “hey did the bus come yet?” “Yes, and I decided to stay here and let you know that you missed it.”

Un-sweetened chocolate. Why? Why the hell would they do that? Some cruel joke? It doesn’t matter, just stop making it that way!

Small dogs. Nothing more …

I bet he did.  I’d even lay odds that “kinky Katherine” liked it.

Now that is funny!  That is how you put smiles on people’s faces long after you’re gone.

Why would the neighbor kid want to wok a 14 year old dog when he could wok a nice, lean, fresh from the street, ready to eat, what a f_cking treat,  young dog?  Crazy Neighbor kids.

Sucks to be him.

Well slap my ass and call me Pinky!  There he is.

I think if you can’t remember the name, it’s best just to leave it …

“I finished the Oreos”

“I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?

“Get your *own* ice cream.”

“Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Candy.”

“Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”

“You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”

“Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl”

“Darned if you ain’t about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella. ‘

“Whoa! For a minute there, …

10. “Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!”

9.  “Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.”

8.  “Feel the force!”

7.  “Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things.”

6.  “Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!”

5.  “Do me or do me not - there is no try.”

4.  “Early must I rise. Leave now you must!”

3.  “Happens to every guy sometimes this does.”

2.  “When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?”

1. “Who’s …

I am not an expert.   I am not a certified counselor.  I haven’t conducted any studies, or really done much research for that matter.   However, I present to you the top ten reasons I feel, kids need counseling today…

This first one is quite possibly the most disturbing kids product I have ever seen.   It’s basically a butt plug for kids!   The concept is to make your kid not afraid of pooping.   You basically have them shove this up their bottom, to make star or heart shaped poop come out.   ARE …

Break the radio and say that while everyone was sleeping there was nuclear
battle and everyone is now dead.

Hide your buddies space pants, just before a crucial space walk.

Uncouple the Japanese section, and as they float away helplessly yell
“That’s for Pearl Harbour!!…”

Use the Canada arm to start punching the Russian space shuttle and then exclaim that “they were asking for it with all their freakin’ late-night cooking smells”

Flush a crew member out the air lock and tell everyone he was an alien
planning to kill everyone and that you saved them from …

It doesn’t wake you up at 2 a.m. knocking on your, “back door” wanting to see if you can, “play.”

You won’t get arrested if you enjoy it in public.

It’s easy to get the kind you want the first time.

Did I mention it comes in chocolate flavor?

It doesn’t mind if you take your anger out on it.

It won’t make you have baby cookies.

You can enjoy it until you’re done.   Then put it away for next time.

It doesn’t scream like a little girl if you bite it.

When it gets old you can …

your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

you refer to your child as Deduction 214 3.

you deduct x-lax as “Moving expenses”

you way of telling her you’re turned on, is by saying, “my pants are going to have to file for an extension.

you consider it normal not to see your spouse or children from February to April 15th.

you have a petty cash box at home and actually refer to it as such

you can solve a problem for someone who didn’t know they …